by Jim Rasfeld

Welcome back to KRTX -- I'm Arthur Transom--the last newscaster on AM radio. Leslie Farlo has left us, so now it's just me. -ooh, and of course Larry in the booth, say hello Larry. They can't see you wave, Larry.

It's day 704 of our special report: "The Economic Crisis."

The Dow is currently up 800 points and rising, ha ha! and it's a beautiful day! This is a reaction to the 1% rise in jobless claims--the lowest rise in 6 months--and it points to a healthy and robust recovery.

The Last Newscaster on AM Radio

Anyway, happy days are here again! This might be a good time to put a deposit on that boat. There's one down at the marina I've had MY eyes on. Ah-summer evenings on the water, drinking champagne, waited on by staff, enjoying the economic prosperity that we all deserve. (horn)

It's five after the hour--time for traffic in brief --avoid the 101.

New information coming in on that stock market surge--market gains have been somewhat lost, we've evened out now at a gain of just 300 points. Not as good as our earlier report, but still healthy--and dropping. 200 points...100.

Perhaps the servants were a bit much. Who needs servants on an 80 foot boat anyway? Or a 60 foot boat. I can get my own drinks... now just 50 points ahead--and still dropping.

But now it's time for Leslie Farlo's daily sports feature--but now of course it's my daily sports feature. You know, Leslie didn't just leave, she was laid off. Let's be honest, she was fired, by a greedy corporation who's more interested in MONEY than PEOPLE-I know I'm on the air, Larry. Say, Larry, you have a sound effect for this? (PAUSE) O-kay..It's Sports Feature sponsored by The Thing Place. Yes, The Thing Place, they've got things for people at the thing place. --In the world of mountain climbing, Terrance McMillan is attempting to be the oldest left-handed Scotsman to climb Mt. Everest. Angus Sheary was a 60 yr. old Scotsman who ascended in 1993, but McMillan is 65 AND left-handed. We wish him luck. Say, you're a quarter Scottish, aren't you, Larry? This has been Sports Feature, sponsored by the Thing Place. Now in three more places.

Uh--ladies and gentlemen--stocks have now moved well into negative territory--we're at a LOSS of 100 points, and still, still dropping. This is a reaction to the 1% rise in jobless claims! The sixth consecutive increase! The market is taking this news to heart with a whopping 200 point loss--300 point loss!

And it just keeps dropping. See, if unemployment rises, consumer spending drops, they lay off more people, and boom! I lose my condo. It's a vicious cycle! 400 points down! Why did we think it could go on forever? We're in a spiraling downturn resulting from decades of poor decisions! 500 points! And I was going to buy a boat. Hah! Some pipe dream.That would've been the worst decision of my life. 600 points down now! 700!! No more college for Margie.

Suzanne would normally take us to Entertainment now, but she's gone, too. she's working in health care. Some day we'll all be working in health care. OK! It's entertainment news, where I review the new movie "Salt." I headed down to the cineplex on my only day off, because--I'm an idiot basically, and I don't even get paid for the time I'm sitting there watching it. I'm supposed to be happy that my ticket is free--Well, FINE. Fine, just let me find a parking space--but no--I waste twenty minutes going all the way to the top of this 12-level parking garage, only to find it's completely full. So by the time I get up to the ticket counter, the movie has already started, they tell me. So I said screw it, I got a slice of pizza and went home and slept. So I have to give Salt a thumbs down.

The Dow is 1,000 points down. Oh, what's the use in even trying. Everything's headed for disaster. I'll walk away. I'll move the family to El Salvador. Or Thailand. I hear it's very inexpensive down there. I could be a waiter. Or a bausboy. I'll do anything. Just give me work, ANY work, and I'll be happy.... I know, Larry, I've got a big clock in front of me.

What? Oh. Checking on that terrible market--and it looks like some gains have reversed the steady losses, but it's still bad--500 points down. It's recovering steadily though... 300 points... only 200 points down now. That's not so bad. I don't want to lose my condo. I'll work hard, make sacrifices, whatever it takes!

Time for mysteries of nature with me, Arthur Transom. Are vampires real? Nooo.

The amazing update on the market is that it looks like we're actually going to finish close to even for the day! I'm celebrating tonight--maybe go look at that boat again... The Dow has just closed for the day 12 points ahead. This is a reaction to the 1% rise in jobless claims. This means companies are trimming workforces to stay competitive in the global marketplace.

This is Arthur Transom, day 704 of "Our Economic Crisis" and next up-- the Asian stock market.